MTV's Newest Hit Shows

DISCLAIMER: If your name is Mat, Ken, or Kristen I apologize in advance for using my own, partially recycled, jokes in this next blurb.

I submit to you, my plan to make MTV the most watched channel on cable television (including network.) The plan includes the following changes to MTV's already featured lineup:

1) Pimp My Face!! - If selected, contestants are anesthetized and performed surgery on. First off, you make a video about how ugly you are and submit it to MTV. You're then selected based your busted-ass face. X-Cruciate steps in and makes fun of your ugly mug for 5 minutes, punches it in and drags you down to West Coast ICU. Then, the anestesiologist, T, comes in. He administers a healthy dose of his magical potion, and you're knocked out.

Big Julian then steps in and lays out a basic groundwork for your new face, including heightened cheekbones, lowered ears, a new dew and a new mouth.

Next up, Mad Rick. He enters with an "in your face" (pardon the pun) dialog. "Yo dog, first off, we're gonna bust a cap in that tooth in the middle." "Those ears are old school yo...it's time this zero got some 4 inch plasma screens coming out the side of his face." "Now, in the past, I put in a spinning eyebrow...check this out dog; two spinning eyebrows, a West Coast ICU first." "To top it all off, my man Buckshot gets to handle the face tats."

Buckshot then goes and draws up a whole tribal scheme...not too overdone for your new face and puts it into effect. Ever seen, "Insert Penis Here" in Sanscrit? You will when you wake up, but he'll tell you it means "strong-willed" or something.

Ishmael finally sets up some custom nosehair and teeth. The nosehairs stay well trimmed, but each has it's own video-camera so that you can see that pathogens that are being cycled out...new reality show featuring them next fall. The teeth get the royal treatment, and I'm not talking about just crowns. A tiny plasma screen for each tooth (pointing down your throat to render them next-to-pointless,) so if your tongue gets bored shifting bologna sandwiches around, it can take a break and watch "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for a bit.

The patient wakes up, and starts jumping up and down, high-fiving X-Cruciate for like 5 minutes and is almost brought to tears when they show them the super-awesome plasmascreen teeth.

2) Viva La Blatt - I think this one is pretty much self-explanatory...I wish I were Bam Margera. MTV pays me millions of dollars, I make even more from skating, and even more from my movie that I made with a bunch of my friends. Pretty much, MTV gets a camera crew and follows me around all day, I think of crazy ass things to do to "punk" my friends, then I get drunk, suplex dennis onto a new couch, 631 like 10 drinks on the floor of a bar and lose my balance and trip over a mai-tai while skateboarding across the bar. Only to land on a gigantic pile of hundred dollar bills.

3) The Real World 563: Blatt's house. 5 participants are chosen from a list of like 40,000 and get to live in my house for a week. They realize that they had it good in their rich-ass custom designed homes when they take a look at the mess that I call a home. Holes in the ceiling from where the squirrels tried to borough in one winter...and consequently where I shot my beebee gun trying to kill them for poking holes in my ceiling, no shower, only bath, no hot water in the winter, a cat that jumps on their car the night after they spend 3 hours cleaning it, and a buttload of other dits and da's that most of the prisses on the show would bail after like 3 days over.

4) Blatt News Briefs at 10 minutes to the hour on the hour. I talk about various social issues that don't affect you in any way, such as how Lars Ulrich is starving because everyone downloaded "Enter Sandman" about 15 million times and they only caught 3 people. His otherwise lucrative career forced him to take a heeping shit on a disklike object, stick it in a cdcoverlike object with shitlike artwork and pump it up to be the best album since the "White Album." He then adds shitquotes from the now shitband to make it like he's still "got it," such as: "To our brothers imprisoned in Sing-Sing...keep up with the awesome prison tats." Then he fucks up like four times when you pay 85 dollars to have an obstructed view to see him play his shitass new shitsongs.

5) PEOCD - the new TRL...and more phoeneticly pronouncable (what the fuck is turl?) It's an acronym (word that combines other words of significance,) that stands for: Public Execution of Carson Daily. I don't think I need to elaborate on that one, it just needs to be done.

6) Womb Raiders - abortion clinic miniaturizes practicing single doctors. The doctors then enter through the vagina, take a glance into the uterus and eventually up the fallopian tubes. After some keen observations about why the uteran wall is stretched by what looks like the remnants of AIDS infested gigantic hispanic penis, the doctors decide which [if any] wants to go out on a date with her.

I just made MTV the biggest network on all of television, you can thank me later when I can buy and sell your dignity on a whim.